Chapter 7. The Return of the Prodigal Son
The Return of the Prodigal Son
I have had a day off, and in the evening, I decide to watch a movie. I settle comfortably on the couch at home and let the movie captivate me. I relax completely and surrender to the story. When the movie ends, I feel a strange restlessness building inside of me. From experience, I know that in such a state, it's futile to even try to fall asleep. I decide to stay put and see what kinds of sensations and thoughts are about to arise. I am ready to face what I haven't been able to face, what is now waiting to be set free.
Suddenly memories from my early middle age start swirling in my mind. It was, to put it mildly, hectic. Days and weeks were filled with plans and activities. I relentlessly pursued something, often finding myself tackling new challenges before I had even completed the previous ones. I thrived on fast-paced action, with no room for slowing down. In retrospect, it seems like I was living in a sort of emergency mode, marked by worry about tomorrow and coping with its challenges.
A shift in my life
Amidst these images rises a memory of the day that changed my life. One winter's evening, I awoke to a pain that tore through every cell of my being. I had reached a point where my own actions seemed to be turning against me. It felt like my entire life up to that point was falling apart, and that I was heading towards a disaster for which I had no way of preventing. Stressed out, I went out for a walk that winter evening. I can still hear the sound of my footsteps muffled by the snow, followed by a sudden silence. I see myself stopping in the middle of everything and raising my hands up.
That moment was pivotal. The pain forced me to stop and ask for help. I was ready to surrender to something greater, something that my mind could not grasp.
A Course in Miracles appears in my life
In response to my plea for help, a short time after that wintery evening, A Course in Miracles (ACIM) appeared in my life. A Course in Miracles is a thousand-plus-page opus, with an extensive text and daily exercises named for each day of the year that helps us to perceive in a new way. ACIM is a non-dualistic work that imparts the insight that reality is not divided, but oneness is the fundamental truth. To understand the teaching, the student must be met where they are, in the mind. That is why the message is expressed in a dualistic form, using words as signposts. They point to silence, where words eventually become unnecessary.
Even the course's initial lesson, "Nothing I see means anything," is quite revolutionary, but deeply understood, it will take you straight to the heart of the course: "You will see a world you created, but you can't see that you are the creator of this image." This is one of the central messages of A Course in Miracles. Thus, I have created the world I see. It is a projection of my own mind. I can't change the world, but when my mind changes, so does the world I perceive. Healing happens in the mind, and forgiveness, atonement and true perception are tools the course provides for this work. They are one and the same path that guides one to surrender ego-based experiences derived from the belief in separation to the Holy Spirit, which the course describes as "the means of communication between God and His Sons in their separation."
On the Path of Miracles
I became a devoted student, even though initially, internalizing the course's message was challenging. The course's use of Christian terminology and symphonic language didn't make it any easier. However, with the help of a study group, the message of A Course in Miracle began to dawn. As my ways of thinking and perceiving changed, life and its events started to appear in a completely new light. Giving up conditioned habits was not easy, but the effort was rewarded. As my mind began to open up, miracles were literally manifested in my life. Many things that had been stuck moved forward, and I could not stop marveling at the fact that when I was dared to release the role of the being the one who thought she was in charge, solutions reached me instead of me striving towards them.
On the surface my life seemed to remain the same, yet everything was different. I didn't experience a sudden "enlightenment" or feel liberated from the conditioning of the ego mind in one fell swoop. No. By incorporating A Course in Miracles into my life, I accepted that there is something beyond my reach but always present: the reality of Being, awareness untouched by any events in life, simultaneously everything and nothing!
Pain – a reflection of the mind
For years I had suffered from frequent, intense headaches, often accompanied by nausea. Once I embarked on the path of miracles, suppressing the symptoms with medication no longer worked. My mind needed to heal for the physical symptoms to ease. The key to healing was acceptance. When I surrendered to what is, I began to hear the quiet language of silence, and beliefs and conditioned concepts hidden in my mind dared to come forth. That was enough, because when they became visible, they lost their power, and then the pain also vanished. It was like a little miracle. It felt as if the ocean had wiped away everything, leaving behind only nothing but a crystal-clear water surface.
Advaita
Over time, I even became a teacher of A Course in Miracles. However, it felt that something was missing, I just didn't know what. But life knows. As I delved into the philosophy of Advaita, the true non-dualistic essence of ACIM began to reveal itself to me. The word 'advaita' means 'not two'. I gained a new vocabulary that resonated with me much more than ACIM's Christian terminology. It felt like discovering a treasure trove, and not long after, one day, completely spontaneously, I became aware of my Essence as consciousness. Suddenly I knew that there are not 7 billion bodies with individual Selves inside them.
Self-realization
'Self-realization' often refers to enlightenment, a sudden and complete self-understanding where the personal self is revealed as non-existent. Typically, and this is true in my own experience as well, it involves recognizing the Self, knowing that I AM. This kind of self-realization is not an endpoint but a starting point, guiding us step by step to be the embodiment of this understanding. Along with it our personality becomes more and more transparent. Self-realization involves nothing mystical and, and it is possible for everyone. Only conditioned thinking, concepts and habits make it difficult. Often, pain and challenging experiences are necessary for a person to be willing to pause and raise their hands in surrender. That moment is crucial because life takes a new direction from then on, and there is no turning back.
Mindfulness
It's time to go to bed, but a subtle, almost imperceptible fluttering in my heart prevents me from falling asleep. I listen to my heart. And only then I do realize that earlier in the evening when I surrendered to the story of the movie characters, I was actually looking at my own mind! I see myself as the protagonist in the movie, who is unable to face overwhelming life situations. Her feelings of helplessness and fear are so crushing that her mind disconnects from the situations – as if they don't affect her at all. The person doesn't realize she is running away from pain but realizes that over time she becomes a stranger in her own land, a refugee whose life is marked by the fear of survival.
Tears well up in my eyes and slowly trickle down my cheeks. But they are tears of joy and happiness that, once they start flowing, seem to never cease. Finally, I am able to face the pain that I didn't even realize I was running from. I see how I've closed my heart from situations that have been too difficult to face. It feels like a weight is lifted from my heart, and I can breathe again. Only now do I see that by escaping, I cannot meet the source of pain or get rid of it because it projects onto others. And almost without my noticing, I start to resist, belittle, reject, or even hate the object of the projection – the mind is truly deceptive.
Facing the pain hurts momentarily, but it is inevitable in order for deep-buried pain to release from the tips of my toes to the crown of my head. Avoidance encapsulates the heart, but even the hardest shell breaks when we dare to face what we have rejected. The shell must break for the gate to the true heart to open. The true heart doesn't beat in time and space, it is eternal and ageless. The heart is the center of being, the Self or consciousness, where all manifestations of separation, whether they are thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, images or feelings – merge back into their source.
Facing something means letting it go. As the self-made self-image shatters, I know both myself and others as more than bodies and minds. On the Borderless Bridge, I see the prodigal son returning home – home that he never truly left except in his dreams.