Chapter 9. Thinking and the “I” thought

Thinking and the "I" thought

It's early spring, and nature has once again come alive after a long winter. As I gaze at the sea glistening in the morning sunlight, it feels like the winter's sluggishness in my mind also melts away in the light of spring, bringing a sense of lightness to my being. I admire the sea freed from its icy cover and the expanse of the sky reflected on it. Throughout the day, clouds begin to gather in the sky, and when they reflect on the water's surface, they almost feel tangible. Clouds come and go, and their movement seems to have neither a beginning nor an end. They remind me of thoughts that appear out of nowhere and disappear without a trace. A thought cannot be captured, but one can become so deeply attached to thinking that the mind conditions itself to the reality constructed from thoughts, beliefs, and concepts.

Am I the thinker of my thoughts?

The most powerful thought is the "I" thought. It creates a personal center, a kind of hub, around which everything else is built.   "I am an independent and conscious individual with the ability to think and the power to choose my own thoughts" is a statement that we rarely question. It is based on the belief in a conscious self within the body. We assume that within the body lives a self that thinks and creates thoughts, categorizes them, and is aware of them. It is a character to whom everything seems to be happening, and therefore all experiences feel very personal.

Intellectual contemplation of the matter inevitably leads to the chicken-or-egg meme. Therefore, one must dive deeper in order to gain an understanding of the nature of thinking and the 'I' thought. Attention must be withdrawn from all that is objective, bypassing the mind and turning to I am-ness. Only consciousness is aware, and 'I am-ness is like a spaceless space which enables abiding knowingly as awareness and becoming aware of the movements of the mind.

Can I choose my thoughts?

When my attention shifts away from what I am aware of, I notice that both the body and the mind, including thoughts, images, feelings, and perceptions, are objects in awareness. Therefore, the body-mind is an object and not a conscious thinker or actor. Only consciousness is aware. As consciousness, I can take a witnessing "position" and look at what unfolds on the stage of my life, just like watching a movie. I see that thoughts as well as everything else, manifest in consciousness and dissolve back into it.

Thoughts simply arise and do not have an owner or creator. Anyone who has grappled with late-night thoughts knows that they come uninvited and do not leave when asked to leave. Thus, it seems evident that I cannot choose thoughts, and if I did, it would be natural to select only good and pleasant thoughts. This way, even the most unpleasant things would have a silver lining, and I would be happy, as would everyone else, and there would be no problems in the world. However, this is not the case, why is that?

The sense of continuity

Thoughts seem to form an almost uninterrupted stream, but my observation reveals that thoughts arise one at a time. They appear out of nowhere, and when one thought disappears, it is always followed by another, which in turn vanishes and makes room for a new one. Like waves in the sea, they come and go, repeatedly.

A thought does not arise in the past or the future but always in the Now. "I will drink a cup of coffee." When the word "I" appears, no other words exist yet. Each word arises only after the previous one has vanished, and what has appeared disappears when the next thought arises. Nevertheless, it feels that there is a continuity to thoughts that makes them an intelligible whole.

A thought does not know itself

I spend a lot of time observing thoughts and realize that a thought cannot in any way know that it is a thought, just as the body cannot know that it is a body. A thought cannot know itself or other thoughts because how could an object be aware of another object! The independent I is also a thought, and it is consciousness that is aware of it as well as of all other thoughts. My true identity is consciousness, and what I have imagined myself to be is literally just an image based on the I-thought.

As I explore the nature of thinking, a practice emerges for me where upon waking in the morning and before going to sleep at night, I consciously withdraw into I am-ness. It is like diving into deep water and merging into the silence. Being and knowing cannot be separated. They are like a couple walking hand in hand, the invisible source and element that creates the sense of unity and continuity. Contrary to my assumption, the sense of flow and unity of thoughts does not come from the thoughts themselves, but from consciousness in which and from which thoughts manifest.

One morning, I linger in bed longer than usual and fall into an nameless land, marked by both peace and vigilance at the same time. The silence is unbroken until the thought "what if" suddenly emerges and gives rise to I-thought. The I-thought is like a thief that steals the sense of I from consciousness. Even though it is merely self-imitation, believing in it holds immense power. This gives rise to an I-centered world and a feeling of being a separate self. I am amazed to realize that all other thoughts are derivatives of the original "I" thought. The I- thought emerges first. It is the root of the mind, without which there would be no other thoughts. After the first person appears, the second person follows, and then the third, but the second and third would not exist without the first!

The "I" thought and its root

Without forcing, the consciousness abiding as I am-ness gradually becomes a natural part of life, and it is not limited to random moments but is increasingly present in everything. And thus, what I have previously overlooked becomes visible. Subject and object are a pair that do not exist without each other, and when my attention is not on objects, the subject based on the "I" thought also loses its power.

I am amazed at how joyful and free life can be when the conditioning to the I-thought loosens its grip. Detachment is not a process or achievement at the mental level. One must truly dive beyond the mind and withdraw into the I-am-ness to be able to see that there is no thinker but there are thoughts arising in consciousness. The I-thought is indeed just a thought, and the "I" thought is the element that adds a thinker to the thoughts.

The thinker is a thought among other thoughts

I learn to see that energy always manifests first, then a thought that names and labels it. Thoughts are movements of consciousness, and consciousness is the reality of thoughts and it is the invisible, infinite space where they manifest. No thought in itself ever contains the thought of the thinker, but the I-thought appears only after the chain of thoughts ends. Only in hindsight does it appear that there is an I between and at the end of thoughts. The I-thought is like a filler thought that ties together thoughts and sentences, creating an impression that there is an I next to or behind the thoughts, thinking, choosing, and controlling them. Yet the independent thinker is merely one thought among other objects! The endless and inexhaustible repetition of I ingrains in the mind the idea of a thinker, the reality of which we never even question!

Emptiness in thoughts, before them, and after them

I continue exploring the I thought by engaging in exercises where the "I" thought is removed from the chain of thoughts. And lo and behold, thoughts become more transparent, and new and exciting insights start to flow into my mind. At the same time, it turns out that under-standing do not reside in the mind but literally under-neath the mind, in the emptiness between thoughts and insights. Understanding does not take place as long as the mind is engaged with thinking, but only after the thinking process comes to an end. Once understanding is there, thinking emerges again from the nothingness and puts understanding into a comprehensible form. Only after this does the I-thought enter the scene and adds the I to understanding, who says that "I understand". Like a clown, it comes from behind the curtain to receive the applause and claims credit for what happened on the stage!